fuck off, you bastards...

but why in the whole wide world would everyone think of going for shopping on saturday afternoon??
you can find no family leader, mother, father or grandmother, without their shopping basket, wandering around in the supermarket, stopping in the most improper places just to check the price of the onions...
And I, a person who hardly goes to the supermarket on the weekend, have to bare them all screaming, pitching, laughing and picking on my nerves for the entire 2 hours of unavoidable groceries demands!
couldn’t they go for some running competition as the netherlanders usually do on the weekends? I would pay to send them all to Holland for 2 months...

apetece-me dormir, mas não me apetece deitar... e uma vez que não durmo nem de pé, nem sentado nestas cadeiras desconfortáveis e que fazem doer ao rabo... não dormirei tão cedo...

...acho que me vou deitar! até amanhã!

escrevo-te por cima

há quanto tempo não ganhavas tu tanta vida, meu velho amigo, por vezes apagado, abandonado, desertado de mim...

velho companheiro de anos passados, momentos passados, histórias escritas, desenhadas e vividas pelo que por nós passou e sempre regressa de novo e de novo como eternas folhas caídas, estação após estação, desejo após desejo, vontade após vontade.

e onde guardas uma língua que é a minha e que tão poucos conhecem, tão poucos eruditos, instruídos a sabem ler, reconhecer e pronunciar sílaba a sílaba nos seus significados e sentidos tão diversos, dispersos e dissimulados.

por ela liberto-me de novo das amarras de quem te lê, porque só verão este amontoar de palavras disformes a seus olhos. para a maioria assim serás, mas não para mim. não para aqueles para quem posso escrever sem tabús, na minha própria língua que soa tão doce, tão doce...

não podes imaginar a falta que faz, a frustração que é nunca poder dizer um "amo-te" na vida; um "amo-te" que seja entendido, reconhecido e querido por quem o ouve. não sabes como é horrível usar palavras frias como "i love you" ou "s´agapo" que não têm a mínima força de expressão, porque não te custa dizê-las nessas línguas estranhas, porque não te causam dor, sofrimento e agonia antes de as articulares em som.

di-las como se dissesses "até já" ou "até breve" e soam a menos que ocas, soam a indiferentes que as digas ou não digas. talvez assim o não seja para quem as ouve, porque o impacto é maior, a própria tensão é maior porque ficam vinculados pela força da reacção que se espera... mas para quem as pronuncia numa língua que não é a sua, parecem fracas demais, simples demais, incoerentes demais...

...

I would like to look up to you
And tell you’re my light
My guiding brightness in the night…

I wanted to be just like you
With no wings I even could fly
Having the sky for my world, going until the end and come back

I don’t know what happen to me…
Maybe some magic!
What’s wrong with me?
To love someone in such a strange way
As I love you…

I would like you to look up to me…
Feel me as if I was your own sea
Where you fearless can dive, your secret sight,
So I could just hold you near…

The first feeling is always the fairest, the most honest of all…
And the first time you get scared
It makes you spin around and around for the return of a that deep kiss

I…
I don’t know what happen to me…
Maybe some magic!
What’s wrong with me?
To love someone in such a strange way
As I love you…

I…
I don’t know what happen to me…
Maybe some magic!
What’s wrong with me?
To love someone in such a strange way
As I love you…

I…
I don’t know what happen to me…
Maybe some magic!
What’s wrong with me?
To love someone in such a strange way
As I love you…
As I love you…

when everything's made to be broken...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

je voudrais...

Je veux,
Je veux,
Je veux te dire comme à mes yeux
Le monde entier s’éveille,
Comme si une autre vie éclatait,
Et au-dessus de moi,
À la fin de quoi j’étais,
Ni même mon esprit peut
Dire ces paroles si bien cachées,
Et ni même tes yeux pourront jamais
Découvrir tous les mots perdus,
Perdus dans le temps entre nous,
Et à toi, mon loué ami d’autrefois,
Le plus brillant et magnifique,
Remet à la mémoire mon image
Et elle ne sera plus qu’un mirage
Quand tu rêves de moi.

as for difficult answers to difficult questions...

Friendship… yes it is possible when you know some people for so long you feel them as an extension to your own family, and I mean this not in a “idealistic” way, but under a real feeling of family, as if those people were a part of your body, like one other leg or arm you gained.

As for too sudden friendship, too quick friendship… I don’t know the exact answer. There is a mix of what you “think it is” and what you “wonder it can be”.

Though, I don’t feel like pushing or pulling any plug. Just feel like sharing as much as possible, without compromising those good moments that were and those good moments still to come.

As for passion (love + desire = passion) it is in every single thing we put our heart, our energy and our willingness up to. So… yes. There are always feelings of love and desire somewhere, which is a good thing as long as they don’t become into a sense of possession.

onde estiveres...

et je veux dire:

"ne t'inquiète pas... tout sera bien à la fin de la journée, car nous t'écoutons parmi les silences, car nous serons toujours là... là, où tu te crois la plus seule de toutes les personnes au monde entier… là, quand toutes tes paroles se ressemblent nues de la valeur…

...et nous serons là aussi, comme tes pensées seront à moi, n’importe où."

So alive

I don't know the secrets the universe hides, and all I show vanishes away at the same speed as you seem to depart, far from my mind, far from my heart. And silence remains once again as the breathing air I keep inspiring inside out.

All around becomes unmovable, untouchable, almost unbearable... and soon enough I hear that song, that one song who makes me remember you, so clear once again in my mind. And all those moments we've been through resound again to my heart, just one more time.

And a new and bright light keeps shinning at some place I forgot to look up with my soul. Somewhere we used to know by heart, while we kept walking around in December's cold night. Can you remember, from there, from that place where you keep the recollections from what we've been?

My heart and my soul, my ruin and my guide, my angel and my fair despair alone in the dark.

You, who came once again, just to make me fall, so I could learn how to walk. The way as I reborn when I see you heading near... Cannot even describe all you meant, all the promises of eternity forever kept inside this one chest I cannot open. Not then, not even now.

You You You, just you can make me feel this way, as if we became touched by fairness and rightful grace.

You You You, you alone in the past, forever shinning over me, shinning all over my unkown path.

'Cause you are really my destiny and my soul, my one goal to get closer and closer to where you stand.

Will you wait a little longer? Just a few more days, a few more years, a few more people going through my life. Let me try... please, let me try to understand them, to help them, to take them as you took me. Let me learn from your memories, from the wisdom you left behind.

And maybe one day, when my task match yours, when I get from where you left, may we reunite once again and, for one more moment in time, may I look upon you. May you see me as before. May we find each other and never let go again.

thank you for inspiring me one more time.

"Tu me manques, tu me manques..."

...and I don't even know what to do.

Where to turn as my face goes red and the tears stream down to hit my dark, dark, dark shirt.

And I see you guys down, so close and so far, somewhere I cannot reach.

Do you even feel anything? Can you at least remember how we were?

What have we done to deserve such faith?

Can you see the irony all around us three?

You, both... you, who can reach each other in no time, with no effort at all, must hold up a fight to remain away 'cause loving is at the same point too much and, even so, not enough...

...and I, who wanted to be near, just to hang around only for one more day... I am stuck to the laws of distance, economy and time, and even the laws of memory trying to keep us apart.

Can any of you even consider the test these walls have become? To love some people and don't be able to feel them, touch them and reach them at least once in a day, or a week, or a month, or a lifetime...

And if we hadn't met, not there, not now... but somewhere before what all we have individually been through, do you even think we would care about each other?

Do you even think we could have ever met the way we do?